A Precious Moment

It was a familiar feeling the day we got the notice in the mail concerning Marcus's cap and gown...apprehension. It was the first outside reminder to me that Marcus would soon graduate from Ashley Ridge High School. The little invoice for these customary tokens didn't cause me to reflect on the passing of time, or even impart to me an impression of Marcus's achievement. No, The first thought in my mind was of Marcus pulling at his gown, dropping his hat to the floor and rising up with anxiety written all over his face midway through the ceremony wishing nothing more than to be in his van and on the way home. Those of you who know me, also know of my son's, Marcus's, autism. He is on the severe end of the spectrum, and has never spoken a word in all of his 21 years. He now lives in a group home, and is a sweet and happy hand full for his caregivers.

When we arrived at the school just this evening, we saw someone quickly exiting the front of the school. He was in cap and gown and the wind was blowing his cap back as he quickly darted toward the parking lot. It was Marcus. Close behind him was a caregiver frantically trying to catch him before he darted into harms way. We couldn't help but chuckle at recognition of him. This was so like him. Ready to leave even before the families and guests had arrived. We tried to sneak into the buliding knowing that the sight of us would only add to his anxiety and confusion. We picked out the back corner of the auditorium, but some of the other special education graduates started to gather near where we were seated, so we moved in closer to the stage hoping to blend in with the crowd. Soon after, Marcus's teacher approached us a little anxiously, and we both knew there was a problem. Just as I had first thought, Marcus didn't understand why he was brought to the school during non-school hours. This disruption to his routine meant only stress to him. He was not happy with his outfit, and just wanted to go back home. His teacher asked us if it would be okay if they brought Marcus up before the the ceremony to walk the stage out of sequence. We said that would be fine. Soon after, we saw Marcus enter the auditorium wearing his cap and gown walking with his teacher. They made an announcement that Marcus would receive his certificate before the ceremony. They announced that the first graduate of the evening was Marcus Hamilton Miller. They walked him across the stage to much applause which pleased me, but probably confused him. I tried to get a photo, but everything happened so quickly that I didn't have a chance to steady and focus. He was off the stage and gone as quick as that. They then announced that the ceremony would commence in 2 minutes.

We stayed and watched the other students graduate. A couple of fellows came up and gave their very best effort in leading the pledge of allegiance. There was something sweet about it, and I felt a tear form in the corner of my eye. Isn't it funny how certain little moments so hard to predict or define can evoke such sudden emotion? One of the boys stood up and walked toward the stage making what I can only describe as happy sounds. Another fellow smiled and pumped his fist as he walked with help across the stage...again I felt that little tugging at my heart. It was a short but truly touching ceremony. Marcus didn't understand the meaning of the event, and was much happier to sit it out; still, my eyes couldn't help but wander to the empty seat on the stage where my big boy was supposed to sit.

After the ceremony, there was cake and punch in the hall. We walked out, and I looked around hoping to see where they had taken Marcus. It was now safe to see him after the ceremony and give him a congratulatory hug even if he didn't know why, but he was no where to be found. I returned to the auditorium and asked his teacher where I could find him. She apologized and said they had taken him back home. I walked back out to the foyer holding my punch but walking alone. I told Bobbi and my parents that 'Marcus had left the building.' Just my attempt to distract with funny little words that embarrassing little moisture forming in the corners of my eyes.

Marcus was a handsome boy tonight in his cap and gown. Congratulations, son.

Be Thou My Vision

On March 1st, 2010, I officially released my latest instrumental guitar project, Be Thou My Vision. It was such a treat to see the boxes arrive containing 1000 copies. I quickly opened the first box and looked over the finally finished product. Within 10 minutes, Kristin informs me that I have the word "skillful" in my thank yous mis-spelled. Come to think of it, to mis-spell a word that means full of skill is kind of ironic, isn't it? It's one of those things that can just toss a wet blanket on one's joy if permitted. I was tempted, but threw the wet blanket aside and just enjoyed the finished product.

I wanted to blog right away about the finished CD, but I wasn't really sure what to write about. I thought of recounting the joy of the process from picking out the songs to arranging and recording, but I couldn't really nail down a main point, so I waited. I'm glad I did. As an artist, a sub-creator of sorts, there is the natural tendency to question the impact of a work and maybe even harbor expectations. What will folks think of the work? Will people hear the imperfections I hear? I'm not above such thoughts, but I sort of knew they were coming, and I determined in advance that to dwell on such thoughts would undermine my heartfelt intention to glorify God alone. At first, it was a daily task to put aside those subtle little, self-centered thoughts... the nagging, persistent desire and almost need for the approval of others. As the first round of feedback returned, I fought the urge to be affected outside of due gratitude for words of encouragement. Some days I succeed better than others, but one thought has become a focal point...Be Thou My Vision. The title track, and the thought it expresses is proving a centering theme for me. If Jesus is to be my vision, then He must be my desire, my ambition, and my only hope for satisfaction. As the words of the hymn express, "naught be all else to me save that Thou art." In other words, nothing else can matter but Him. After all, it is He alone that can choose whether or not to bless and multiply.

I'm so thankful to have a product to share with folks. I'm so grateful to all the people who have encouraged me and worked with me to get something recorded, duplicated and shared. But mostly, I'm thankful that I have something akin to a few fish and a couple of loaves to give to Jesus. To be as that boy who offered his meager gift, seeing it blessed and multiplied to the glory of God, is what I desire most for this CD and for all the efforts of my life.

I'll end with the lyrics, because they say it far better than I could ever express:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,

Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.

Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,

Thou mine inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

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High King of heaven, my victory won,

May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my vision, O ruler of all.